That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
