no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
