my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
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Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
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I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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