my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
