2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
