By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
