I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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