every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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