Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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