The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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