new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
