I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
