i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
