Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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