Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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