Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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