I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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