mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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