This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
