So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
