I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
