She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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