How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
