i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
