i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
