the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
