The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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