That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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