I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
