The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
