If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
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