JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
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Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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