I just saw a hot homeless man
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
We need to get me chipped asap
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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