her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
