just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
