Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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