i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
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I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
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I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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