You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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