This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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