Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
