Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
