i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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