I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
