Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
