I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
