I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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