This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
