It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
