I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
