just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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