So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
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We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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