I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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