I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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