It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
