Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
