When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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