just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
