The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
