I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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